Prior to the 1950s, family was defined mostly in practical ways. With life expectancy shorter and health more unpredictable, child-rearing, farming, caring for elders and the keeping of the household were commonly fulfilled by any number of biological/marital relatives as well as friendship and community networks. Gender roles were more fluid. Everyone pitched in to make sure the work got done. Extended families and communities worked to support each other in surviving and thriving.
With the rise of industrialization, there were fewer family members at home to care for children and women were more often relegated to the domestic sphere. Social supports became more fractured and isolated. Individualism grew and extended families and community networks became less valued. This solidified in the post-WWII era, after men returned from war and displaced women in the workforce. The household structure that grew out of these changes became what is now often referred to as the “traditional” family. Many see this as an ideal, but maybe it is not “ideal” for everyone.
Why “ideal” is not for everyone
Some people come from a home where they experienced abuse, neglect or humiliation. Maybe we have no connection to any blood relatives because of the foster system, adoption, deaths, relocations, etc. Maybe we were rejected by our family of origin because we didn’t do what we were “supposed to,” or we married someone of a different race, religion or political persuasion. Or maybe we just never “fit in” with them. For those who have experienced rejection, abuse and so many other significant hurts, there is a need to create a nurturing and supportive family.
There is no one right or wrong way to define “family,” and the most useful definition likely depends on the situation.
For the purposes of mental health, it might be most useful to consider what the function of family is in our lives. We might consider our family to be people who regularly offer support, whether it be emotional, financial or logistical. They might be the people with whom we choose to spend a lot of time. Maybe our family is made up of the people with whom we celebrate, the people with whom we grieve, the people who help us navigate life’s twists and turns, the people who, in turn, come to us with their joys and sorrows. Family might be those who make life’s burdens seem lighter, those who help us carry the load, those who make life worth living. They might be people with whom we can disagree but still find respect, compromise, and love. Maybe they help us raise our children, care for us as we age, help us meet our basic needs, stand by our side against adversity. They can provide a soft place to land, make us feel safe, grounded. They work to understand us, to see us, and to love us.
Our chosen families
The kinds of families that flourished before industrialization have continued to play a role in many people’s lives. In various communities and cultures, the word “family” has continued to have a broad and complex meaning. Many Americans who come from more collectivist cultures (placing more value on the health of the group than the individual) include a vast array of social supports in their “families.” African Americans, Latino Americans, Indian Americans, Native Americans, Asian Americans and more claim parents, aunts and uncles, grandparents and siblings that they have little or no blood/marital ties to. Similarly, the LGBTQ+ community has always found support in their “chosen families” comprised of friends, intimate partners, supportive acquaintances and the queer community at large. And while the LGBTQ+ community is recognized for this active cultivation of family that has no legal ties, other people who find their blood relatives less-than-supportive have also cultivated these kinds of networks in order to survive. Many people find the support they need in their religious communities, the church functioning as a large extended family network. People who live in poverty often rely on extended social networks for their very survival. When the car breaks down or you don’t have money to pay the gas bill, those who step in to help keep your child fed might also be considered family. Many people find themselves better served by “chosen families” than they do their legal families. Whatever the reason, there are many people in our society who define “family” very differently from the dominant narrative.
Family is what we make it
Research supports the idea that family structures matter less than family functions. In other words, it matters more that we have our needs met by our “family” than it does what our “family” looks like or who it is comprised of. Our society emphasizes maintaining ties with our family of origin. That can bring on feelings of shame, guilt, fear, sadness and grief when we do not have, or even want, those kinds of ties with our legal relatives. It is okay for us to grieve that we do not fit a prescribed norm or that our birth families are not always safe or suitable for our health and growth. There is no shame in creating a family that meets one another’s needs mentally, physically and emotionally. We can choose to put energy into relationships that encourage us to thrive and support each of their members. As we re-define our “families,” let us focus on growth and well-being rather than a definition of composition.
Sculpting boundaries: Building safety and respect in relationships