Sculpting boundaries: Building safety and respect in relationships

Boundaries define limits, beginnings, edges and endings. Relational boundaries define individuals, what connects them to others and what sets them apart. When boundaries are thoughtfully structured, they can create a sense of safety. Conversely, when they are poorly structured, too rigid, too narrow, or ill-defined, they tend to fail resulting in a lot of confusion, uncertainty, crossed lines and damage to relationships. All aspects of our lives involve boundaries. Many of these boundaries are vague suggestions rather than solid brick walls. 

Relationships without boundaries do not feel safe. Children test boundaries as they learn to understand limits and their standing in a relationship. For adults, boundaries define separateness as well as connection. They are the elements that allow for self-differentiation. It is the nuances, rather than the simplicity of boundaries, that make this possible. Take time to consider the nuances of boundaries. They can be permanent or temporary, easily broken or unbreakable, clear and well-defined, or an unspoken suggestion. Boundaries may be set for safety or to establish power. Boundaries have a purpose and they evoke a response.  

What makes boundaries fail?

To understand what makes boundaries work, it is important to examine why they fail. Over simplicity, though desirable and tempting, strips away some of the elements that make them work. ‘Stay in your own lane’ and ‘mind your own hula hoop’ are a couple common examples of oversimplicity. When these are used as guides, boundaries tend to become one-size-fits all resulting in a lot of ill-fitting boundaries.  

Lack of perspective also stems from oversimplicity. When a boundary is built on a single viewpoint, it will lack the dimensions that makes it sustainable. Entitlement contributes to one-sided boundaries. When one is on the opposing side of entitlement, boundaries are resented as a barrier to be broken. Similarly, when boundaries are commandments or punishments, they will have limited effectiveness. ‘You broke it, you fix it’ takes away a key element, the potential for relationship growth.

What builds healthy boundaries?

First and foremost, boundaries need to be driven by values. When someone is deeply wounded by a boundary violation, they tend to lose focus, make demands, or turn away in a manner contrary to their personal values. Boundaries set from a place of rage or extreme pain, cannot be nuanced because the desire to be safe wants bolts, bars and keys. Boundaries set in this emotional state need to be temporary and changeable to allow time to regain the perspective needed for healing and growth.

Boundaries must address purpose and function. Take the concept of staying in your own lane. The purpose of lanes in freeways is to keep the traffic flowing in each lane, in one direction, and in a safe manner. To achieve this function there are painted lines, barriers, on and off ramps, etc. If someone were to drive the wrong way on a busy highway there would be chaos and probably a lot of damage. A line to purchase tickets doesn’t need cement barriers. The quality and clarity of a boundary also contribute to its purpose and function. A line to purchase tickets requires a different clarity and quality than a freeway. The place a bank keeps its money and valuables requires far more security than the trash cans sitting next to your driveway.

Another nuance that requires consideration is the evoked response. This needs to be considered when addressing the purpose and function as well as the responsibility for maintenance of the boundary.

A well-set boundary takes skills to establish and responsibility to maintain. A few necessary skills include the ability to clearly communicate, have compassion, be self-aware, be assertive and have emotional regulation.

Perhaps most importantly, in relationships we want boundaries to create possibility rather than simply create limitations. For instance, safety in a relationship contributes to healthy attachment as well as the development of individuality. Boundaries that separate us are as important as the ones that connect us. It is the space between that allows relationships to breathe and grow.