Have you noticed yet that you have a storyteller in your head?
If you are with me on this one, have you observed what kind of stories that storyteller is telling you? Is it using kind words, like “it is going to be ok,” “well done,” “great job,” or “breathe, you got this”? Or harsh words, like “you should be better” or “you are not good enough”? How loud are those messages? Which ones do you pay attention to? How do they make you feel? Which ones are you letting go without giving them much thought? Which ones are easier to let go of and which ones more difficult?
Our brains as thought-producing machines
The brain is a thought-producing machine; it is doing its job by giving us options of thoughts. The neuronal pathways that we are using grow stronger, louder and more effective over time, making it more difficult to let our thoughts go. The ones we don’t use slowly decrease/atrophy until they are merely whispering, fleeting and difficult to notice.
Some pathways we might have never or rarely used. These are the ones it takes time to develop — first by identifying what they are, and second, by intentionally and repeatedly practicing using them. It is up to us to train our brain.
For instance, if we pay attention to the thoughts we want to have more of and take attention away from those that we do not want, we can work on letting these thoughts go. However, we are often inclined to do the opposite: we pay attention to the thoughts we don’t want and take attention away from those thoughts we would like more of.
The result? We get more of what we focus on and in that example, our unwanted messages can get very loud and occur as if automatic, while the thoughts we would like more of become so quiet that they are barely noticeable. Often, we accept this to be the result of circumstances and seek to blame outside factors. We then set out to fix the outside factors. Chances are that this strategy becomes a hamster wheel of trying the same thing over and over, expecting a different result.
Training your mind
Observe sometime, how you have trained your mind. Do you let the unwanted thoughts take up more space than those you wish to have more of?
The ability to let go needs to be practiced if it is to increase in strength and effectiveness. Letting go of thoughts can be difficult, especially when it seems that there is some benefit to pursuing them. Letting go of difficult thoughts might require overcoming fears, guilt, shame or the desire to control. Holding on to discouraging thoughts, even if they are negative or discouraging, can give a sense of security and familiarity. Letting go of familiar patterns of narrative in our minds means stepping into the unknown, and this can be scary. It requires trust that things will work out, even if we can’t see the path ahead.
This might include accepting that we do not have as much power as we would like to have. It might seem that if we let go, we are giving up on our goals or dreams or losing something that is even more precious. But the truth is, sometimes letting go is the only way to get unstuck and move forward, to become able to explore new possibilities, to put a burden down to free our hands to grab on to life.
6 ways to practice letting go
Letting go is an important skill that may be underappreciated in our modern lives. There are a few strategies that you can try to improve this skill:
- Practice using kind words. A good guideline can be THINK before you speak: is what you want to say – or think – besides being True also Helpful, Inspiring, Necessary or Kind? If not, you might benefit more than you think from practicing to let go of it.
- Practice mindfulness: Mindfulness is the practice of letting go of thoughts by paying attention to the present moment without judgement. By focusing on the sensations of your breath, your body, and your surroundings, you can increase your ability to let go of thoughts and cultivate a sense of calm and presence that can help to feel more comfortable with an increasingly calmer mind. Remember, “the past is history, the future is a mystery, the here and now is the gift and that’s why we call it the present”. Activities that involve presence also can help to get out of the mind and back into the body, such as yoga, tai chi, qigong, painting, going for a mindful walk, hiking, or even rock climbing if you are so inclined. By engaging in these activities, you can practice letting go of following thoughts in your mind and staying present with what is going on in the moment.
- Experiment with relaxation techniques: There are many relaxation techniques that you can try to help you feel more at ease when you are still. These might include deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, tapping, visualization or meditation.
- Set aside time for stillness: Set aside specific times in your day when you can be still and quiet. This might be first thing in the morning, before bed or during your lunch break. As you get more comfortable with stillness, you can gradually increase the amount of time you spend in this state.
- Practice gratitude: Focusing on the things that you are grateful for can help you let go of the things or thoughts that are causing you pain or holding you back. Practice daily gratitude by writing down a few things that you are thankful for each day.
- Seek support: If you are finding it difficult to let go of intrusive thoughts and they have started to impair sleep and/or functioning, it may be helpful to seek support from a therapist or other mental health professional. They can work with you to identify any underlying causes and help you develop strategies to cope.
Practicing letting go takes time and dedication. But if we must live with a storyteller in our minds, we might as well train it to give us either no stories or good stories so that we can use kind words for ourselves and for others that help feel encouraged more often rather than discouraged.
“Some of us think holding on makes us strong, but sometimes it is letting go.”
Hermann Hesse