In the 2023 American Psychological Association (APA) holiday stress survey, nearly nine in 10 (89%) adults reported that something causes them increased stress during the holidays. That something includes one or more of the following: spending too much or not having enough money to spend, finding the right gifts, missing family or loved ones, having too much to do, feeling pressure to make the holidays special, food-or alcohol-related issues, not being able to spend time/be with family or loved ones, experiencing or anticipating family conflict, feeling left out or excluded, and traveling.
If you’re reading this, I’m going to take a wild guess that you’re part of the 89% who experience holiday stress. Hello, you – I am with you. I want to extend a warm welcome and encourage you to get comfortable for the next few minutes as we explore holiday stress through a different lens. I’m a firm believer that not all stress is “bad” – stress can act as a guide – to help us identify what’s working in our life vs. what needs our loving attention. In this post, I’d like to empower you with some strategies to not only reduce stress during the 2024 holiday season, but to also increase your sense of purpose, meaning and inner peace.
Finding perspective
Growing up, I listened to my Grandma tell stories about her experiences during the Great Depression. She described having to walk miles to school during brutally cold Minnesota winters. Her childhood and adolescent years consisted of hard work outdoors, school, caring for animals, and being with family. She described the stress of the Great Depression, but she mostly described special memories that brought her joy. I remember her smiling as she recalled a time from childhood when she and her siblings received a piece of candy for Christmas – a gift they were genuinely excited to receive. It wasn’t a Barbie Dreamhouse or an iPhone. Over 60 years later, a piece of peppermint candy would still bring a smile to my Grandma’s face.
In today’s world, it’s hard to imagine giving a piece of candy to someone for Christmas and expecting them to feel excitement and gratitude. But in this real-life example, we can clearly see the power of perspective and assigned meaning.
Rediscovering meaning
Over time, commercialism has overshadowed the original meaning of the holidays. We’ve been inundated with advertisements and promotions for decades. These companies all use neuropsychology/neuromarketing to subconsciously manipulate our brains to create a sense of lack, a sense of urgency, and the idea that we must buy more to have a meaningful holiday experience.
How is that going for us? In the previously mentioned APA Holiday Stress survey, a large percentage of participants listed money and gift-giving as their biggest stressors. Whether it’s the stress of spending too much, not having enough money to spend, or stress about giving the ‘perfect’ gift – it’s clear that people are feeling pressure to meet material expectations. But where are these expectations coming from? Do you agree with these expectations?
The good news about neuromarketing is that with greater self-awareness, two can play that game. Stop and consciously evaluate what you cherish most about the holidays – not what you’re told or what you observe others doing. What is your idea of a successful holiday season, and why? Are your holidays structured in a way that reflects your values? If you desire a greater sense of peace and meaning during the holidays, focus on aligning your values with your resources. Be intentional about investing your time, energy and money into aspects of the holidays that you value most.
In terms of shared values, we should note that a large majority of people surveyed say their most cherished part of the holidays is being with loved ones – not gifts, but quality time with loved ones. Additionally, most of the population is feeling some level of financial strain right now. That said, perhaps this is the perfect year to propose something new, to realign and to get back to what matters most to you.
Ideas to try:
- Set spending limits (e.g., $20 per person) or draw names for gift exchanges
- Pool money as a family for a shared gift or experience
- Volunteer together or donate to a meaningful cause
- Create a gratitude jar and share notes of thankfulness with loved ones
“Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things.” – Robert Breault
Managing responsibilities
Life is busy enough, but as we approach the holidays it can quickly feel overwhelming. So, do yourself a huge, loving favor and make a plan. Take a peek at your calendar and consciously mark the beginning and the end of your holiday season. Notice, it’s temporary! In that window of time, what additional responsibilities do you have? Brainstorm and create a list of all the tasks you want to accomplish.
- Set a timeframe: Mark the beginning and end of your holiday season.
- Make a list: Categorize tasks into “must do,” “important” and “would be nice.”
- Prioritize: Focus on tasks that align with your values.
- Delegate: Share responsibilities with others.
Don’t be afraid to say no to something. The holidays will be back again next year – use this time to make note of what works well and what could use some adjusting.
As you block time to complete tasks, make sure to weave self-care into your schedule. Like refueling your car, you need to refuel your energy tank; this is essential for keeping your nervous system flexible and preventing burnout. I recommend simple things such as listening to your favorite holiday music while completing tasks, enjoying a cup of tea while you check off list items, taking a bath at the end of the day, stretching your body before bed, and taking moments to think of what you’re grateful for. Use your senses (touch, sight, smell, taste, and sight) to enjoy the special elements of the holiday season.
“Take rest; a field that has rested gives a bountiful crop.” – Ovid
Navigating relationship stress
Relationships can be a source of increased stress during the holiday season, and this is a common focus in therapy sessions. Therapeutic work is often focused on establishing healthy boundaries and identifying ways to navigate challenging situations. If you’re anticipating potential stress or discomfort for some of your holiday gatherings, I encourage you to get clear on what your boundaries are and how to best honor your needs. Prior to gathering with others, have a general understanding of how you would like to address potential challenges and which issues would be more appropriately addressed at a different time.
One of my favorite resources for clarity in navigating difficult relationships is “Interpersonal Effectiveness” skills from Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT). I love this resource because it beautifully guides us on how to communicate effectively when emotions are hijacking our prefrontal cortex – the part of the brain that directs thoughts, actions and emotions. I will often tell my clients that DBT should be called, “Emotions & Thoughts: How to be a Human 101.” With DBT, you can develop greater self-awareness, discover clarity of thought, learn emotional regulation skills and stress relief strategies, explore communication styles and techniques, and more.
“Some people come into our life as blessings. Some come into our life as lessons.” – Mother Teresa
Honoring grief
I believe grief is one of the most challenging experiences to navigate in therapy and in life, and it can be especially challenging during this time of year. I view grief as a very sacred experience – one that is unique for every individual. I don’t believe we can rush the process of grief, and I don’t believe there’s a one-size-fits-all approach to navigating it. Loss and grief are a fact of life and an integral part of this human experience. While I won’t pretend to know your experience, I will gently offer my perspective – one that I’ve discovered through great loss in my lifetime.
I have learned that grief is a privilege, but I didn’t always see it this way. I used to spend a lot of my mental and emotional energy trying to deny, numb, ignore, and get angry with my pain. No matter how much I tried to avoid it, the weight of my sadness would always hit my heart when I wasn’t prepared. I knew I could keep on the same path, or I could try something different. I made the decision to surrender to the feelings, observe the experience and do my best to understand what it might be teaching me. I learned a lot. I learned that I love deeply. I learned that I’m grateful to have shared a love with people and animals who brought meaning and depth to my life. I learned that grief is proof that love exists and will continue to exist. I discovered what truly matters in this life and I gained clarity about where my energy is best spent. I won’t say that I enjoy grief, but I’ve developed a new relationship with it and I’ve learned to be curious about how it shows up in my life. This season, as I’m reminded of loved ones who have passed away, I do what I can to honor their lives and focus on what they valued most during the holidays. I intentionally look for moments where they would’ve found joy, and I rest in that.
As you navigate your journey of grief this season, I once again encourage you to come back to your values. Allow yourself some space to breathe, to feel, and to process your grief. Discover ways to honor your loved ones and focus on what matters most to you during this time. Above all, do not judge your feelings – acknowledge them and stay curious about what you are learning.
“As long as I can I will look at this world for both of us.” – Sascha
From my heart to yours, I wish you a holiday season full of warmth, love and comfort. If you feel this time is heavier or more challenging than usual, please don’t hesitate to reach out to your provider or to get set up with a provider at Alliance for Healing. We are here to help you navigate and thrive through life’s greatest challenges.
References:
The Harris Poll. (2023). 2023 Holiday Stress Survey Data Topline. In APA.ORG AMERICAN
PSYCHOLOGICAL ASSOCIATION (pp. 1–5) [Report]. https://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/apa-holiday-stress-topline-report.pdf
Navigating boundaries with gratitude: Unlocking personal empowerment